


Lonely Christmas

by alycaraway



Category: Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon | Pretty Guardian Sailor Moon
Genre: Angst, Christmas, F/M, Happy Ending, Love Triangles, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-11
Updated: 2015-03-03
Packaged: 2018-03-11 22:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 18,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3335402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alycaraway/pseuds/alycaraway
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(COMPLETE) Mamoru feels lonely around Christmas, as usual, and Motoki suggests he gets a girlfriend. When Mamoru realizes he likes Usagi, she comes to him looking for a favor. Can Mamoru fulfill her wish at the expense of his own happiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Denial

So it's that time of the freaking year again.

Snow days, decorations of wreaths and lights, sales in every store, carolers, sleigh riding, presents, the smell of pine trees. Ornaments. Eggnog. Stockings.

I hate every minute of it. Bah, humbug.

Honestly, Christmas is such a waste of time and money, and makes those who don't have a family feel that much more lonely. And that was what I was trying to explain to my friend Motoki.

"But you're wrong, Mamoru!" Motoki argues.

We have this discussion every year… and every year, I always win. I'm always left alone in my apartment, while I hear the kids next door playing happily with whatever "Santa" gave them.

Then comes the usual invitation.

"You know you're more than welcome..." Motoki starts.

"...to join you and your family for the holidays. I know, I know," I say miserably. I know I'm being stupid about this, burdening my best friend year after year, but I can't help it. "It's your family's time… I don't want to feel like the odd one out."

"Which is why you need to get a girlfriend!" Motoki exclaims. I raise my eyebrow and gave him a 'yeah, right' look.

"Look who's talking," I mutter. Motoki sighs.

And then I give him my take on women. Again.

"Women suck," I said flatly as I watch Motoki roll his eyes, "Seriously. They're only out for money and gifts, and then when they get tired of you, they leave you for someone else. Rinse and repeat."

"Not all women suck and you know it," Motoki replies, shaking his head. I open my mouth to say something, but he continues, "Give me one 'sucky' thing about Usagi."

I sigh, resting my head on my cheek, looking up at him. "Just one?" I ask. He nods. I feel like I can go on forever on the subject as I take a deep breath. "She's a crybaby."

"So she's a bit overdramatic sometimes," he says. I can't help but chuckle at the understatement. "She means well, though… she only cries at times when she hurts herself or feels bad for others. Is that so bad?"

"...Well no, I guess not..."

"So that doesn't count. Give me another example."

I ponder this for a second. "She's got an annoying laugh."

"Oh, it's not that bad!" Motoki argues thoughtfully, "and laughing is a sign that she's having fun."

"She's clumsy."

"Yeah, but if she was your girlfriend, that could work to your advantage… if she fell, you could catch her and wrap her in your arms..."

My eyebrow shoots up again. "Do you have a thing for her, Motoki?" I snicker.

Motoki glares at me. "No! God Mamoru, I'm just trying to help you here. Cut me some slack!"

My grin doesn't leave my lips as I shake my head, sliding off my stool. I pay for my hot chocolate. "I'll see you later."

As I walk down the street it begins to snow a bit. I stick my hands in my pockets. I can't wait to get home, take a hot shower, and just go to bed. God, I hate the holiday season… it makes me even more depressed and lonely than usual.

Deep in thought, I didn't even anticipate the impact this time.

"Oof!" I cry, stumbling back a bit. I open my eyes to see Usagi on the floor, rubbing her nose gingerly. I sigh. How annoying! "Just once, can't you watch where you're going and walk at the same time, Meatball Head?" I ask angrily.

Usagi glares up at me with an expression I'm all too used to seeing. "Sorry, Mamoru..." she mumbles. I watch her as she gets up and dusts herself off, eyeing me with annoyance one more time before continuing past me. Chuckling, I walk on.

Motoki's and my conversation replays in my head, and I try to think of something bad about Usagi that Motoki can't give me an excuse for. I think about our encounter that happened just seconds ago. She apologized for colliding with me even after I called her 'Meatball Head'… and I was just so annoyed with the fact that she hit me that I didn't even bother to help her up.

What the hell is the matter with me?

I sigh as I reach into my pocket and pull out my apartment key, Usagi still fresh on my mind as I walk into my building. I think about the collision, imagining different ways the encounter could have gone. I can't help but think of what it may have felt like to have caught Usagi, holding her tight as she clung to me, head against my chest. She would look up to me slowly, apologize, and we would let go of each other.

My heart wrenched, and I blinked in surprise at my body's reaction. Something inside me is telling me that I wouldn't want to let go of her fragile, delicate form.

These thoughts are scaring me. I open my door and walk into my apartment, shutting the door quickly behind me, as if that would stop thoughts of Usagi from following me inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! If you enjoyed this chapter, please leave a review.


	2. The Promise

What are these feelings I've been having?

'Dammit, Motoki,' I think to myself, 'Why did you have to tell me Usagi would be a good girlfriend for me?'

Suddenly, I can't get her off my mind. As hard as I try, that stupid, clumsy, meatball-headed, annoying, not-so-bad, loving, caring, beautiful...there I go again!

My damned best friend must have worked some sort of voodoo spell, because I come to the revelation that Usagi really is a great girl, now that I’ve given it some thought. I smile just thinking about her for the millionth time today.

'But these stupid butterflies in the pit of my stomach really need to go, dammit!' I grip my stomach as if it's in pain and lay on my couch. I sigh. Could I really be falling for Meatball Head?

'Don't call her that!' I scold myself, 'If you really do like her, you should try and at least be a little nicer to her...'

...Ugh. Love is so stressful.

~*~*~

After over an hour of getting ready- which usually takes me 20 minutes- I walk out of my door and head to Crown Arcade. Not to see Motoki, but in hopes to see Usagi this time. Today I'll start trying to be nicer to her, and hopefully by the time Christmas comes I won't have to spend it alone...

The Crown doors slide open and I walk inside. Much to my delight, Usagi is sitting in her usual spot, talking happily to Motoki as she sips a milkshake. I already know that it must be strawberry; her favorite. Step one to getting a girl: know what she likes. But what the hell do I know about love?

I take a seat next to my favorite little Meatball Head… erm, I mean, Usagi… and give both she and my best friend a friendly smile. "Hey Motoki, Usagi," I say, though 'Meatball Head' almost slips off my tongue. I see Usagi blink with confusion in those gorgeous blue orbs of hers as she wonders why I’ve called her by her given name.

"Hey, Mamoru..." she says in a surprised voice. I chuckle in my head. She's so cute!

"What can I get you, Mamoru?" Motoki asks. He also looks surprised. What, can't I be nice to a girl that I've realized I have a crush on every once in a while?!

"Eh, hot chocolate would be great, thanks," I say, and while he turns to get my beverage, I look to Usagi. "Cold out there, eh?"

Usagi nods, taking another large sip of her milkshake.

Uhh… what else should I say? "I don't know how you're drinking such a cold drink when it's snowing outside," I say rather nervously. God, get a little dorkier, Mamoru. Way to woo the girl.

Usagi merely shrugs and smiles. "Motoki makes really good milkshakes, what can I say?"

I just laugh softly, looking down at the counter. 'Think, you idiot!' I yell at myself. I've never been so nervous in front of anyone before. I sure wish those butterflies would stop, though. "So, umm… doing anything interesting for Christmas?" I ask. Damn… I really must like the girl to bring up my least favorite holiday. I thank Motoki as he sets my drink down, and he goes to help some other customers.

I see Usagi's eyes light up. "My family always has a huge feast on Christmas!" she exclaims. I smile. "And we always get great presents. This year I didn't ask for very much, though. I don't know why, but I really don't want anything too big this year... that comes in a package, anyway."

"Oh?" I ask, interested. "What is it you want, then? If it doesn't come wrapped up?"

Usagi flushes and looks into her drink, stirring it nervously. "Nothing," she says as a goofy grin appears across her face. I chuckle, but I'm still curious as to what she could possibly want. I don't want to look like an idiot, though, so I let it go for now.

She continues telling me about Christmas at her house, and I sit there and think about how nice this is. I'd never really had a civil conversation with Usagi before, and yet I'd known her for well over a year and I've seen her practically every day. Thinking about it, I just want to start beating myself up for not being nicer to the angel that’s been sitting in front of me…

"What about you, Mamoru? What do you do for Christmas?"

She’s snapped me out of my thoughts and I'm a bit taken aback by the question, but I guess I should have seen it coming. Like she did with her milkshake before, I stare into my own drink. I take a small sip, thinking of how to answer that question.

"I, uhh..." I take a napkin and wipe off the hot chocolate mustache I just gave myself. Usagi giggles. "...I don't really do much of anything, actually."

Usagi's giggle fades quickly, and she looks up at me with astounded eyes. "You don't do… anything?" she asks in disbelief. I confirm the answer to her question by nodding my head. She frowns. "Oh Mamoru, that's so sad!"

I shrug, beginning to feel a bit uncomfortable. "It's not that bad, I guess..."

It's then that Motoki comes waltzing back. I'm both relieved and annoyed at this; part of me was glad that I could change the subject with Motoki being there, but part of me wanted to have our alone time together for longer.

"This one hates Christmas, the Scrooge," Motoki explains, motioning to me. I curse at him in my head.

"But you can't hate Christmas!" Usagi says in quite possibly the most stressed-out voice I've ever heard her use, "You just can't! Mamoru, I'll show you a great Christmas this year, I promise."

I blink, and my heart soars. Just those words had already made my Christmas season! God, I've been so mean to her for as long as I can remember, and yet she's willing to spend time with me this December...

I think I'm in love with this girl.


	3. Confession

I walk home happier than I've ever been before in my life. I don't even mind the snow, or the decorations, or the kids happily pelting each other with snowballs. I'm happier than all of these things put together.

The feelings that are inside me can't be anything else but love. I've fallen in love with Usagi, and by God I don't know how I couldn't have realized it sooner. Just the thought of her name makes my insides twist and turn, and she gives me such a warm feeling inside...

And I would be spending a majority of my December with her, celebrating the Christmas season!

Life is so good.

The scene of what just happened at the Crown Arcade doesn't leave my mind. "We'll go shopping!" she said to me, "And bake Christmas cookies! And decorate a Christmas tree! We can even make homemade ornaments too if you want. Have you ever strung popcorn before? I usually eat it before we can put in on the tree!"

I laugh to myself, and as a result, turn a couple of heads. I couldn't care less. I really am in love with Usagi!

~*~*~

I feel like a giggly schoolgirl. I've began to catch myself humming Christmas carols. They're quite catchy, aren't they? Suddenly, I love them!

I dance around like an idiot to my humming… thank God I live alone and no one else can see me. I swipe a comb off of my dresser and pull it through my hair, bobbing up and down in front of the mirror. "Oooh! Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the waaay! Oh what fun it is to ride in a one-horse open sleigh, HEY!" I dance over to my closet, pulling out one of my jackets, a pair of gloves, and a hat. "Jingle bells, jingle bells..." and I start humming again. Who knew I actually knew the words to some of these songs?

I look at the clock. It's only 9:30?! I have to wait for a whole hour and a half before I see Usagi! What the hell should I do 'til then?!

I look around as I stop humming, place my hands on my hips, and glance around my room. I head out into the hall and go into the kitchen. Clean. Living room? Clean. Bathroom? ...I don't care if it's not clean, I ain't cleanin' no bathroom before I go and see Usagi!

I carelessly flip over the back of my couch onto the cushions, pulling the remote control out from under me and turn on the TV. Oh yeah, this'll make the time go quickly. Yeah, right.

I stare blankly at the TV, my thoughts involving only Usagi in them. I can't help but smile...she's so wonderful! I hug one of my couch pillows close to my chest as the butterflies whip around my stomach again.

What seemed like an hour later only turned out to be 10 minutes, according to my clock. "Damn!" I cry, rolling over and facing the back of my couch. It would be a long wait.

~*~*~

Finally, after what seems like a year, I decide to just leave twenty minutes before I really have to. I need to get out of my house before I do something drastic.

Because I have a while and Usagi's usually late for everything anyway, I take my time walking down to the Arcade. Okay, that's a lie... I practically sprint.

So I get there 15 minutes early… who cares? I can talk with Motoki, but should I tell him about my newfound love for Usagi? I debate the idea in my head. I know that he would say something along the lines of "I told you so!" and I'd never hear the end of it. But on the other hand, I'm sure he would be happy for me and show me a ton of support. That's just how Motoki is. For some reason, though, my instincts tell me not to tell him about my crush. For now, I'll just keep it to myself. If anyone has to know, I want it to be Usagi, and I don't want her to find out about it from Motoki.

I stumble into Crown, wrapping my arms tightly around my body in a desperate attempt to warm myself up. It sure has been getting cold these past few days! I look around the arcade as I make my way to my usual seat. When I look to see if Motoki's serving anyone, my heart leaps.

Usagi's here already!

Oh, why didn't I get here sooner?! I wonder how long she's been here. She already has her milkshake and is happily indulged in it while she's talking to Motoki. I walk over to them quickly.

"Hey guys!" I say happily. They both smile and say hello. I turn to Usagi. "Ready for... what is it you have planned for today, anyway?"

Usagi smiles, and both her eyes and my heart light up. "Why, the mall of course!" she exclaims, "This way, we can shop for whoever you need to shop for and get you a bunch of fun new Christmas ornaments! I was thinking we could just go to a bunch of different stores along the street, but it's much too cold to jump from place to place outside. The mall will probably be packed, but at least we'll be warm, right?"

I smile and nod as Motoki hands me the hot chocolate I haven't even ordered yet. "Thanks," I say to him. It feels good to be in the company of your best friend and your crush.

~*~*~

After we had both finished our drinks we said goodbye to Motoki and set off. My best buddy seemed really surprised that the two of us would be spending the day together, but I couldn't be happier as we walk down the street toward the mall.

"It is so cooold!" Usagi cries, running her hands up and down her sleeves. Oh, how I would love to just wrap my arms around her and keep her warm right now...

"Here," I say, sliding my own jacket down my arms. It was damn cold, but at least Usagi would be okay. I drape it over her shoulders, but she looks up at me with upset eyes.

"Mamoru! It's way too cold for you to be without a jacket!"

"Who are you, my mother?" I ask with a chuckle, "I'll be fine, I promise. Just keep warm."

But by the time we get to the mall I think I'm going to go into hypothermia. I'm so grateful once we get into the warm building that I almost cry. My nose certainly cries; the drastic change of cold to hot makes it start running uncontrollably. How attractive to Usagi, I'm sure.

"So," I sniffle, "where to first?"

Usagi takes off my coat and hands it to me with a thank you, and I don't hesitate putting it back on. I follow her into a Hallmark-type store, full of Christmas decorations and small gifts.

"This is a great place to start!" she exclaims, as if she's the expert on Christmas, "Do you have any decorations at your house already?" I shake my head and she frowns. "Okay... let's start with lights and tree decorations!"

She leads me to a long aisle of different colored Christmas lights. She points out which ones she likes, and I pick some white ones out of her selection. As we're looking at the different ornaments, I think about what we're going to do with all of this stuff.

Wait a minute.

A million thoughts flood into my mind all at once. We're getting Christmas tree ornaments. They go on Christmas trees. Therefore, we have to get a Christmas tree… and bring it back to my place. She said she'd help me decorate my tree. She's… we're going back to my place together! After we get the tree! Alone! I should have made sure the bathroom was clean!

I'm dizzy with excitement and adrenaline. Soon, Usagi and I would be in my apartment… and hopefully, that would be the best time to confess to her how much I love her.


	4. The Favor

"That's way too close!" Usagi exclaims to me.

We're in my apartment now, and she's caught me red-handed trying to put an ornament right beside another on the Christmas tree. Who knew putting up and decorating a stupid tree was so much work? I wipe the sweat from my brow with a stressful sigh.

Oh yes, we had quite an episode with this tree; what with putting up our stubborn little pine-needled friend, vacuuming up the mess it made, and leaving it to stand sideways in the holder after numerous attempts to straighten it.

But you know what? It's still one of the best moments of my life, right up there with today's shopping spree with Usagi. I take the small ornament off the branch and place it on a neglected area of the tree, and Usagi smiles in approval. I nod, reaching into the box to pull out another one of the new decorations.

"We should watch the big Christmas tree lighting in town on Christmas Eve, Mamoru," she suggests.

My heart practically bursts with the simple thought of seeing her on another special occasion. "Definitely," I agree, smiling.

"Let's promise that the night of the tree lighting, we'll meet by the bench in front of Crown… so you can see what a real Christmas tree decorating looks like!"

I just smile, thinking that nothing could be more perfect than the decorating we've been doing on our own.

I catch myself staring at her with a goofy grin and, unsure of what to do with myself, dive back into the box. "So what are we going to do with this?" I ask, pulling a long garland out of the box. And I pull. And I keep pulling. This thing is like a freaking magic trick from hell! It still does not have a visible end. Getting only a bit frustrated (and I mean that in the most sarcastic tone I can muster), I pull the rest of the garland out with one large heave and toss it to the ground. "Damn!" I swear, but I can't help but laugh as I'm surrounded with green stuff.

Usagi covers her mouth and starts laughing so hard tears well up in her eyes. "I think we’re done decorating. You look like a Christmas tree yourself!" she giggles, placing an ornament on my left ear.

I chuckle. "I think I'm a better-looking tree than what we have set up, wouldn't you say? At least I'm standing up straight."

She nods with another laugh and helps unravel the seemingly endless garland from my body. I stand there, watching her, and can't think of a time where I've had even half as much fun with someone. She truly is an angel on Earth.

The entire time she's been here I've been waiting for the perfect time to tell her my feelings… but, alas, the time has still yet to come. We're too busy laughing, and the last thing I want to do is confess to her like, "Hey! (giggle, giggle) Betcha' didn't know... (hysterical laugh) ...I like you a whole lot! (roaring with laughter) ...Didja?"

Yeah. No.

I'm beginning to get a bit anxious now; the tree is set up, almost completely covered in ornaments, and it's getting late. I know Usagi will have to leave soon, but I made it one of my goals for today to tell her I love her at a moment that feels right. So I’ll try and create a 'right' moment, and get Usagi to stay a bit longer. "Want some hot chocolate?" I ask her.

Usagi nods happily, and I walk into my kitchen to get the tea kettle. As I'm filling it with water, I can only smile at hearing the blonde beauty humming Christmas carols in the next room. It feels wonderful to have company at my place for once, and I'm ecstatic that that company is her.

Already missing being in the presence of the girl, I set the kettle on the stove quickly and scramble back into the living room. She was just finishing up with the ornaments and quickly getting up to the one I wanted to put in a special place. Before she picks it up, I say “wait,” softly, and approach her.

I carefully slide my fingers over the large ornament in Usagi’s hand, lingering just briefly over her own as I look into her eyes and gently take the decoration from her. I smile and get the same grin back, and at that moment I want nothing more than to lean in and kiss those beautiful pink lips. I can smell the peppermint from that lip balm she's been wearing all day. But I resist, and turn toward the tree.

I know. I'm an ass.

I cough almost silently, trying to break the awkward silence I've created, and reach up to the top center of the tree and place the ornament delicately upon the branch I've been saving. This ornament is by far my favorite: a white rabbit clutching a small bag of candy canes and presents lovingly in its arms, with a large Santa hat that falls clumsily down over one of its eyes. It reminds me of Usagi even down to its goofy rabbit smile.

I fall back to where Usagi is standing and gaze up at the tree with her, a content smile quickly spreading across my lips. "It looks wonderful," Usagi says, and I turn to her to look into those gorgeous blue orbs of hers...

...and the tea kettle whistles, of course. Because why would it wait another few moments before filling the apartment with an ear-piercing shriek?

Wanting to chuck the damn thing out the window, I excuse myself and hurry back into the kitchen to take the blasted thing off the burner. I make both of us a large mug and place some marshmallows in them, walking quickly back into the living room. Usagi had turned off the lights and began to play the Christmas CD we had bought earlier. Now, the room was only lit by the white glow of the Christmas tree.

With my heart suddenly beating twice as quickly as before, I set down the drinks with not-so-stable hands and turn to face the smiling girl I've fallen absolutely head-over-heels for.

The scene is perfect. We're facing each other, no more than three feet apart. Our eyes meet, and the CD is playing softly in the background.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,  
Let your heart be light,  
From now on our troubles  
Will be out of sight...

"May I… have… this dance?" I stutter, nearly inaudibly. Where did I get THAT from?! 'God… idiot. Idiot!' I scream in my head, 'Maybe she didn't hear you? You don't know how the hell to slow dance! What did you just get yourself into? Moron! Please don't say yes, I'm sorry, I'm...'

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,  
Make the Yuletide gay,  
From now on our troubles  
Will be miles away...

"You may," she says almost as silently, her smile broadening. Those words and that smile repeat in my mind, and suddenly I really do find my troubles 'out of sight.’

So, some of these songs DO to have truth to them...

I swallow rather loudly and hope that she didn't hear it as I take her body close to my own. If she didn't hear me then, however, she could hear me now; my racing, screaming heart is thundering so hard in my chest I think I might pass out. Trying to stay in control and not show my panic attack, I delicately place one hand on her side and wrap the fingers of the other one around hers. Her hands are so warm and gentle against my own and I can't help but pull her closer to me until I feel her head fall lightly onto my chest.

Here we are as in olden days,  
Happy golden days of yore,  
Faithful friends who are dear to us  
Gather near to us once more...

Taking in the sweet scent of her hair, I close my eyes and forget all my paranoia about having two left feet. I find myself leading pretty well, but I can only imagine how disastrous it could have been if I was actually focusing on what I was doing. Instead, as usual, Usagi floods all of my thoughts... the girl who is in my arms right now, dancing by the light of the most beautiful lop-sided Christmas tree I have ever seen. I feel her sigh happily in my arms, and I've never been happier in all my life.

Through the years  
We all will be together  
If the Fates allow,  
Hang a shining star  
On the highest bough,  
And have yourself  
A merry little Christmas now...

The song comes to an end all too quickly, and I open my eyes as Usagi lifts her head from my chest. Our eyes meet again.

This is the 'right' moment I've been waiting for.

"Usagi," I whisper, but at the same time Usagi says in a regular tone, "Mamoru?"

My body freezes with adrenaline again. Oh, God. "...y- yeah?" I ask, barely above a whisper only because my voice box is failing to produce much sound.

"Can I ask you something?" she asks, looking up into my eyes.

"Anything," I reply, sounding a bit more confident. The truth is I am so nervous that I could probably go into cardiac arrest if she holds out telling me what’s on her mind any longer.

"I would love you forever if..." she begins, but pauses.

LOVE! I run a hand nervously through my hair, hanging on her every word. God woman, just say what you want to say before I have a heart attack!

"...if..." she continues, "...you could possibly..."

Yes? YES?!

"...try and set me up with Motoki sometime? I didn't mean to ask so suddenly, but it is getting quite late, and I want to know as soon as..."

She was saying more, but my head suddenly felt like it got hit with a very large sledgehammer, and as a result, somehow ruptured my heart. My whole body went numb, and my only thoughts were, 'Motoki? She… she likes Motoki? MOTOKI?' My eyes moved around in their sockets, desperately trying to make sense of the world around me as I felt my jaw drop a bit. 'This… this whole day… that was all she was after?'

My whole world completely collapses around me, taking all of the color out of my face with it I'm sure, considering I suddenly feel Usagi shaking me with a very concerned tone in her voice. "Mamoru?! Mamoru?! Are you okay? Do you need to lay down?"

I blink again. Some part of me is convinced that this whole situation did NOT just happen; that Usagi was shaking me because I had passed out or something and I’d imagined the whole thing… but the rest of me knows the truth. "You… you want me to set you up with… with Motoki?" I ask, hearing my voice falter.

She nods with a weak smile. "Remember how I told you what I wanted for Christmas didn't come in a package? Well..." she looks down, blushing, "this is it. Please, Mamoru? For me? I would be the happiest person in the world..."

She would be… happy. My heart feels like it's fatally ill and vomiting on itself. "Umm..." I stutter. It would make her happy...

...that's really all I want for her… the girl I love with all that I am… she should be happy, because today she made me the happiest I've ever been… but...

"Okay," I agree softly before my mind could argue the matter further. With a huge grin, Usagi throws her arms around me and kisses me on the cheek. It burns.

"Oh, thank you, Mamoru! Thank you so much!" She releases me and skips over to the chair that holds her jacket, gloves, scarf, hat, and bag, and puts everything on with her bag slung over her shoulder. "I'll talk to you tomorrow, okay? Thank you again, Mamoru! You don't know how happy this makes me!" And with that, she gives me another quick hug before letting herself out, humming loudly again.

Sure, it makes her happy… but does she know how torturous this will be to me?


	5. Heartache

I lay on my bed with one arm draped over my eyes and wallow in self-pity. I've been doing this for quite some time and it really does me no good, but I would rather lay here and rot than go and see Motoki. Just the thought of his name makes me want to scream and punch the remaining fluff out of my already-beaten pillows.

I begin to stir for the first time that morning, wiping the bangs away from my eyes with a sleeve wet with tears I barely knew were forming. See? I knew it… woman really do suck.

...So why can't I bring myself to believe that about Usagi?

I don't think her intentions are to hurt me. Perhaps she's still completely oblivious to the fact that I'm head-over-heels for her. After all, I’d been mean to her for so long… but it was an affectionate sort of mean, wasn’t it? God, I knew I should have said something way before it had gotten so late!

I muster up enough strength to at least drag myself out of bed and into the living room. I'm overwhelmed by the smell of pine emanating from the Christmas tree, and just to the right of it it's snowing outside my large picture window. I stand there looking at the scene for a moment, taking in everything from the lights, to the decorations, to the snowmen outside, to the snowplow that just flew down the street.

To anyone else, this might have all been a beautiful sight. Instead, I have visions of laying in front of the massive snow removal truck and letting it plow me to hell.

All of these things, these Christmas hoo-has and doo-dads… they no longer make me happy. I'm back to being a cross between the Scrooge and the Grinch, and I hate it. I want to go back in time, just to yesterday, where I didn't have a care in the world and was even planning on making a snowman of my very own, with Usagi if she could come. But now, Usagi will be spending all of her time with Motoki, and I, stupidly, volunteered to help.

I sigh, turning away from the window and free-falling onto the couch, though I was half-hoping I'd miss and smack my head on the coffee table and die.

I turn my head to the table and my eyes fix on the two mugs of untouched hot chocolate. They, too, must be as cold as I feel. I look up to the ceiling and sigh heavily.

Usagi...

I close my eyes as they begin to sting again, welling up with tears I am too tired to let go of. I'm sick of crying. I hate it. The tears streaming down my face remind me of the awful childhood that left me alone forever.

And now that Usagi doesn't want me, I've given up hope for my adult life as well.

So begins another day as Grinchy Scrooge, I suppose. I'm left to feel lonely from the tip of my nose, all the way to my toes. I'll get Motoki and Usagi together, all right; then disappear from their lives, forever out of sight. They'll never realize I'm gone, those two; upon my name coming up, they'll ask, "Mamoru who?"

And that's how Motoki stole my freaking Christmas. Or just made me insane and caused me to make up that stupid rhyme.

But this isn't about me or Motoki. This is about Usagi, and if I can't have my Christmas wish, then damn it all, I'll give Usagi hers.

~*~*~

It takes me a while longer to actually get motivated enough to emerge from my lair, but I do it, and soon I'm setting off toward Crown Arcade. You know, the place I used to actually enjoy going to, but now I'd burn it down if I could?

'Think of Usagi, Mamoru. Think of Usagi...'

How can I not, when she's been on my mind all the time? But now Motoki comes in and destroys all of these wonderful daydreams of mine, and I'm just left to wallow and drown in the pool of pity I've made for myself. Again. It seems like that's all my life is about, and for a second or two, I thought that that was going to change; that Usagi would be my guardian angel, and rescue me from the hole I've dug myself into all these years.

But her heart belongs to someone else. Can I blame her? Up until this month I've been nothing but ruthless to her. I teased her, called her names, and just did anything to upset her for my own entertainment. Looking back on it, why did I ever find any of that amusing? God, I think I need to get just a little more immature.

The doors to Crown slide open with a whooshing sound and I blow in along with some snow. The floor at the entrance is wet and slippery so I take my time making my way over to Motoki. That's my excuse for going so slowly, anyway.

"Hey," I greet carelessly, plopping down on a stool as I slide my coat down my arms.

Motoki smiles as if he doesn't know he's ruining my life. "Hey, Mamoru! Give me a second and I'll be right there with your hot chocolate, okay?"

"Eh, no thanks, Motoki. Let me get an iced tea, okay?"

Motoki shoots me a surprised look, but shrugs it off and turns around to get me my order. Yeah, that's right, changing it up a bit. Not used to it? Deal.

Oooh, I'm so threatening with my iced tea.

Because of the snow it's a bit of a slow day, so Motoki sets the iced tea down in front of me and takes a stool behind the counter. He sits down across from me, taking a rag to the already clean, fake-marble surface because he's too dense to think of anything better to do. This job rules his life. What does Usagi see in him, anyway?

"So..." I begin, hesitating by taking a sip of my beverage. I want to delay this process for as long as possible, as if Usagi will come bursting through those stupid sliding doors, shout 'Wait!' and tell me that she made a mistake; that Motoki isn't the one she wants, and she's secretly madly in love with me, and then we'd run away together and...

"...So?" Motoki replies. I shoot him a cold look without even realizing it at first. Quickly, I retract it into a fake smile.

"So I was thinking, y'know, since our last conversation about Usagi," I explain slowly. How can I word this?

"Yeah?" he asks. Shut up. Just shut up, will you?! This is hard enough as it is!

"...do you like Usagi? You know, like, like like her."

Motoki's eyebrow raises and he looks up at the ceiling as if this is some sort of trick question and he really needs to think about it. I roll my eyes, now out of his field of vision, as he looks like he's inspecting the drip stains above us. If he really needs to think about it, then obviously he doesn't love her as much as I do.

Another minute goes by before Motoki decides to snap out of his trance and look at me. He kinda had me convinced for a moment that he had more of an infatuation with the stains on the ceiling than he could for any girl.

And then those dreadful words roll off his tongue: "Yeah, I guess I do kinda like her."

My mind begins to spin again, though not as severely as the night before. Part of me was expecting him to completely deny it, and that would be that. I would tell Usagi that Motoki didn't like her, then go in for the kill. But, of course, nothing really ever goes as planned. That little hope was what brought me to this step in the first place, and now it was gone.

"...Oh," I stammer, rather surprised. Motoki asks me why and I very reluctantly reply, "Because yesterday when I was with her, she told me she really liked you… and it would really make her happy if you took her out sometime..."

I watched this news sink in with Motoki as his face contorted into a variety of expressions. Surprised. Happy. A bit excited. Smiling. Confused. Happy again.

"Maybe I'll take her out, then!" he exclaims, a huge smile on his face. I feel like crying, or beating him up or something, as he thinks about his plan out loud. "Maybe I'll take her to see a movie, or take her out to a restaurant, or that amusement park downtown..."

Idiot. Sure, Usagi likes those things, but doesn't he know she would be much more content walking around town, or through the park? It's Christmas time. She LOVES Christmas time, especially watching other people enjoy it themselves. She wants to be outside, enjoying the moment… not cooped up in a movie theater or a restaurant, for heaven's sake...

I just shrug, taking a large sip of my iced tea.

"This is really great news, Mamoru. I can't believe she told you she likes me!" He wasn't half as excited as I would have been. "Wow, I can't wait until the next time she comes in here!"

As if on cue, our favorite little blonde comes skipping in just as Motoki’s walking toward the entrance. Like I said before, the floor was very wet and slippery, and Usagi doesn't hesitate to begin falling seconds she got through the door. She lets out a little yelp, her small form going down fast. I jump up, eyes wide and arms extended to save her as I run over.

But Motoki catches her tightly in his arms instead.

She's pressing against him, her slim arms wrapped tightly around his abdomen with her head on his chest. She's breathing heavily, looking down at the floor. I can see she recognizes the shoes she's gazing at and associates them with Motoki, therefore lingering longer than necessary in the man's strong hold on her. She stands up slowly, separating the two of them just a bit, so she can look up at his eyes and smile a sweet smile that makes my heart skip a beat. If only she looked at me like that...

"Thank you..." she says softly, her cheeks red. I know it's not from the cold.

I can't take anymore of this. I toss my money carelessly onto the counter and get up, walking past them without so much as a goodbye to either of them.


	6. Chapter 6

Let's see how many times I can hit my head on the wall before it starts hurting, shall we?

One!

Two!

Three!

Ouch; okay. Three's enough... though the pain to my head doesn't equal half of the pain weighing in my heart. It’s the next day and I’m back in my lair again, sighing as I watch more snow fall outside my window. Each flake flutters quickly past the panes of glass, and for a moment I find myself entranced in their unique little dance as they combine into one pile below my windowsill. I slam my head into the structure of my apartment one last time, my forehead leaning on the window as I look at the scene below. Again, children playing. What are they so happy about all the time?! It really chaps my...

...Motoki?

Through the window, I catch a quick glimpse of his eyes underneath the huge hat he's wearing. I highly doubt he can see, but if it's keeping him warm, all the more power to the idiot. I can't make out his expression underneath that ridiculous striped scarf he's wearing, either. After all, I really didn't stick around the arcade yesterday to find out what happened. Half of me knows that Motoki and Usagi, if they aren't together already, would be sometime in the near future. However, there's still that other half that's hanging on for dear life that it didn’t work out, and I am not about to let that go.

I watch him intently, looking for any signs that could tell me what happened. There's no hop to his step, but he's not walking defeatedly, either. He's not swaying back and forth, which, knowing Motoki, meant he wasn't humming happily. I can see no dimples or any sign of smiling over that blasted scarf, nor can I tell anything by his eyes.

'He would be happier if he had asked Usagi out,' I think. So, wait… he didn't ask her out? Or he did, and something happened? My heart skips a beat as my eyes widen. Usagi… where could she be now?! Maybe she's upset? In need of comfort? Motoki hurt my Meatball Head?!

I grab my coat and dash out the door.

~*~*~

I evaluate the situation as I violently swing the door to my apartment complex open. Something was wrong with Motoki. He was headed in the direction of both his house and the arcade, so he could be headed to either. He came from the direction of Usagi's house. Usagi was not with him.

I walk very quickly past the large crowds of people hopping from store to store. I keep my eye out for either of the two, glancing in store windows and around the sidewalks. I could really use a homing device for them.

I pass Motoki's house, but there's no sign of life inside. The lights are off, the driveway isn’t shoveled, and there are no footprints leading to his front door. I turn around and begin walking back, heading toward the arcade. I still don't know what happened. If I find Usagi and begin to comfort her now, she may not know what I'm talking about and think I'm a lunatic… so I'll find out the details from Motoki first, comfort little Meatball Head later.

On my way to the arcade, I pass a small gift shop with a few stuffed animals and tiny collectables pleading to be bought in the front window. I would have passed it right by if it wasn't for the little rabbit, similar to the ornament we got, sitting there and staring up at me. It had the same goofy smile mine did, and wore a very similar Christmas hat, but was clutching a small stuffed crescent moon in its paws.

Usagi has to have it.

~*~*~

Walking out with the bunny in a red gift bag, my adrenaline rushes through my veins. I'm getting really anxious now, dying to find out what happened between my two friends. I break into a sprint, pushing my way through oblivious shoppers, though keeping a protective arm around my present. As I can see Crown Arcade is seen in the near distance, I stop my running. No need to show Motoki I'm antsy or in a hurry, right?

Playing it smooth, and by that I mean stumbling through the doorway, I enter Crown Arcade. Lo and behold, Motoki is waiting behind the counter waving like an eager puppy as I make my way to my usual stool. I set the bag down by my feet; there's no reason to show him what I got for Usagi.

We greet each other, and for a moment or two there's an awkward silence between us that I've never experienced before. We both know what’s on each other's minds, but neither want to be the one to ask.

He clears his throat, turning away for a brief second before setting down an iced tea in front of me. Hmph… I want hot chocolate, but that's the least of my concerns. I become the one to break the ice.

"So what happened? Did you ask her?"

"Yeah, I asked her," he replies composedly. There is no grin, no light chuckle, no smooth raise of his eyebrows. He doesn't flinch.

"...and?" I ask, a bit too hastily than I would have liked.

His eyes shoot up to meet my own. "And," he continues, his eyes falling back onto the counter. It's then the grin spreads across his face, and my heart takes another nosedive onto a bed of spikes. I know the answer before he can utter the words. "Usagi and I are officially a couple!"

"That's great!" I exclaim, my heart groaning.

Motoki smiles, his chest rising and falling quickly. A sigh of relief? "Yeah, I'm really happy about it," he says. Yeah, right. I'd be riding around on freaking cloud nine, and this kid waited a whole day before he even smiled about it, for Christ's sake. "We went to the movies just a little while ago, I took the whole morning off work, and I dropped her off at her house afterward."

"And how'd that go?"

"It went great. Really great!" he bragged. I wanted to punch him.

"I'm glad you two had fun," I said through grit teeth I formed into a fake smile.

"Yeah! You wanna come out with us later and celebrate?" he inquired. I looked up at him, eyebrow raised. He really was naive to my feelings, wasn't he?

"Eh, it's okay, I..."

"Come on Mamoru, this'll be fun, I promise."

"Yeah, but I..."

"Come on, Mamoru! What do you have to lose?"

I blink, pondering this for a moment. I look down at my iced tea, then up at him, and for some reason my heart told me to accept.

"...What time?"


	7. Loneliness

Today I will be the third wheel to Motoki and Usagi's second date. It sounds like a game show I would really rather not be on. How do I get myself into these things?

I walk down the street toward Kohaku, the restaurant Motoki selected. It was a pretty ritzy place for someone on his budget to go to, let alone treat their girlfriend to as well. I look down the street, though I still don't see them in sight as I near the place. They had said 7:00, right? It was 7 now. This time, I didn't appear 20 minutes early out of excitement.

Thinking they may already be inside, I trek up the stairs and into the dark, romantic restaurant. Japanese lanterns were the only light source around the tables, each shedding red or yellow light through their thin paper. The waitresses were all dressed in kimonos with their hair tied up in tight buns. I caught the man at the podium looking at me curiously, and I strolled over.

"I'm here to meet two of my friends," I explain, looking around for them as the man checks his book.

"Ah, under the reservation of 'Motoki'?" the man asks. I nod, and the man bows back and leads me to a small table in the corner. Obviously they're not here yet, and I suddenly feel a bit funny sitting in this place alone. A waitress comes over immediately and asks if I would like something to drink, but I just shrug and order a glass of water. She politely nods and walks off.

I play with my chopsticks between my fingers as I glance around the room. There are very few other tables with more than two people to them, and the couples make my heart ache. It's obvious every person in this restaurant is in love; even by the way they glance contently from their meal and back up to their partner. There are a few happy laughs here and there as they all talk quietly amongst themselves, caressing each other's hands and even stealing a few kisses. I thank God as my waitress comes back with my water, diverting my attention to the glass set in front of me. As she walks away, I desperately try to keep my attention on the drink. I take a sip, swirl the contents in the glass, play with the ice… but then comes a laugh that I cannot ignore. My head shoots up immediately, eyes darting toward the entrance.

I catch sight of Motoki and Usagi immediately as they laugh together at the podium and wait for the man in the front to seat them. Okay, Mamoru. Showtime. As they approach, I smile broadly.

"Hey, you two," I greet as Motoki takes off his coat. He sets it on the back of his chair and moves to sit down. This man really is an idiot. I tap the table and our eyes meet, and I motion for him to help Usagi with her own coat. Looking at me like I had seven heads, I sigh and get up as Motoki sits down. Whatever… I'm not complaining as I smile to Usagi and slide her coat off her slender arms. I see Motoki nodding, as if trying to remember to do that next time, but my attention is forever focused on the girl standing in front of me. I place the coat delicately upon the back of her chair and slide it out for her. She giggles, as if never been treated like a lady before (which amazes me), and sits before I slide her in. I take my own seat, and suddenly the beautiful atmosphere I had set between Usagi and I is broken.

"Boy, it sure is cold out there, eh?" Motoki says, looking a little uncomfortable at the events that had just taken place between his girlfriend and me. Usagi and I both nod. "Were you waiting here long, Mamoru?" he asks me.

"Huh? Eh, no, not really," I reply, taking a sip from my half-filled glass of water. I had been waiting for ten minutes, according to the clock on the wall. "Why were you two running late, anyway?"

As Motoki tells me how they had gotten a little lost and ran into a few people they knew, the waitress fills two more glasses of water and sets them down before Usagi and Motoki. I nod, only half-listening, as I'm given a menu.

Usagi is quickly glancing over the food options several times, as if she has no idea what to choose. I smile, glancing down at my own list of mouth-watering choices. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Usagi's gentle hand reach out for my glass of water. Curious, I keep my gaze subtly set upon her as she picks up my glass and places it to her lips without thinking. She's too preoccupied with the menu to even glance at the glass she had just picked up, and she sets it down again. I chuckle softly.

There's light conversation as we continue to discuss what each of us would like to eat. By now, Usagi's gone through the list twenty times over with no choice in sight, and Motoki is trying to convince her to just close her eyes and place her finger on a random dish.

"Just get the dinner bento box," I recommend to her, "It's got a ton of stuff in it, so you can get a little bit of everything."

Usagi smiles and nods, and we're ready to order. Highly amused, I just sit back and take a sip of my water.

It tastes like strawberry lip gloss.

I blink, and then remember that Usagi had taken a drink from my glass just minutes before. I lick my lips lightly, taking in the sweet strawberry taste again. Is that what it tasted like… if I were to kiss her? My lips crave more.

~*~*~

"So, cheers," I say, holding up a small plaster cup of green tea… not exactly something very good to toast with, but it was slim pickings at this table. Trust me, I would love to just drown myself in some hot sake right about now; let my mind go completely numb to the way Motoki and Usagi have been staring at each other all night, how Motoki looks at me almost triumphantly as Usagi clings to his arm, how they glance down at each other when I'm in the middle of a story. The toast that I just made to them was complete bull, and they could probably tell by my annoyance and hesitation to say anything nice.

"Cheers," they say together, clinking their glasses to mine in unison. Together. That's how they've been this whole night. But they're a couple, right? I've told myself that over and over again, and though my heart wants to tell me otherwise, my brain knows better. I'm better off never listening to my heart again… it brings me nothing but pain.

Motoki and I get the check and split it evenly, and the time spent tonight with the two of them have been the longest moments of my life. All I want to do is go back to my dark cave and wallow in self-pity.

But no.

"Let's all go to the park and get some ice cream!" Motoki suggests. Can I punch him? Please, can I punch him?

Doesn't he know what this is doing to me?! He has to be able to tell by now… the way I look at his girlfriend, the way I wince when they get close, how my lip has been quivering with the craving of Usagi's kiss… I can't help any of this, and Motoki has had to have taken notice by now. Is he just trying to rub this in my face?

"Yeah! Yeahyeahyeahyeahyeah!" Usagi exclaims in a giddy voice, "Let's go get some ice cream! With sprinkles!" Her eyes light up and she gives me an adorable puppy-dog face.

...Ugh. How can I say no to that?

~*~*~

Usagi had devoured her ice cream before Motoki and I had barely started our own. She skips ahead of us, humming happily.

"She's happier than I've ever seen her," I say painfully to Motoki, taking a small nibble of ice cream. I lost my appetite long before my entree came at the restaurant.

Motoki nods with a smile. "Yeah, I'm really happy too," he says softly, looking at me. "Thanks for telling me she liked me so much, Mamoru. This has really made my holiday… and I'm sure it's made Usagi's as well."

I find that familiar sting in the back of my eyes as I fake a smile and look down to the ground, walking to the beat of Usagi's happy humming. Made their holidays, huh?

...what about me?


	8. Wallowing

Bed.

Usually the place where people go to get away from real life. They lay down, relax, drift off to sleep to dream about happy things... like cuddly puppies, flying, or meeting their favorite celebrities.

My dreams are about busting Motoki's face in.

I sigh, staring blankly at my ceiling. It's been a week since the Kohaku restaurant incident, and I haven't been to Crown since that day. Motoki has not called, and Usagi has not come over with more Christmas cheer. I'm much more depressed about that second one.

The mugs on the table have not moved, and I think the dissolved marshmallows and chocolate film have begun to grow mold. And this is me, totally not caring.

The lop-sided Christmas tree has begun to die, as I have not watered it since it entered my house. The needles have turned brown and a few ornaments have fallen, rolling across my living room and have hidden themselves underneath my couch. I think one or two of them have cracked on the floor as well. And this is me, totally not caring.

I couldn't tell you the real lyrics to "Jingle Bells" if I wanted to. The only version that comes to mind is the one with Batman smelling and Joker farting. And this is me, totally not caring.

The Christmas CD Usagi gave me, the one that we danced to, has been sitting in my CD player since she bolted out the door. The CD that was playing when my entire world collapsed around me. The song that reminds me of how wonderful that night was, how badly I wanted to kiss that sweet girl's lips, is like poison to my ears. And this is me, and I can't help but care.

The snow is falling outside again. It's getting colder, and I know that that means Christmas is rapidly approaching. I have decided not to go to the tree-lighting ceremony. The only reason I was going to go was because I wanted to spend as much time with Usagi as I possibly could. Y'know. When she didn't have my heart on a string and hers was attached to someone else's.

I've seen them from a distance on the street a few times. It could just be me, but every time I see them I can't help but notice how awkward they look together. As if they feel obligated to be with each other, nothing more. The usual spark in Usagi's eyes has receded to a quarter of their glow.

I think it's all in my head. They're happy. They'll freaking be together forever... and each day, memories of me will fade from both their minds... Motoki's will be constantly occupied with thoughts of Usagi and vice versa.

I roll to my side, staring hard at the windowsill before me. I have never experienced something like this in my life, and I never want to again. To be rejected, to have to give the person you love to someone else, is something I would never wish on anyone, even on my worst enemy.

...well. Maybe I would wish it on Motoki himself.

I'm bitter. I’ve been bitter, and I acknowledge that I've been bitter, but I can't help it. Can you blame me? ...can you honestly blame me?

I can't think like this forever. I decide to get my sorry ass out of bed and make my way into the kitchen. I wonder when the last time I ate was?

I fix myself a small meal and sit at my kitchen table, alone, as usual. The crunching of my food in my teeth echoes in my ears. It's the first sound I've heard in a while, other than my sighs, sniffles, and the occasional passing snowplow outside. My ears have become numb to the happy laughter of the kids playing outside, Christmas carols, and others. I'm convinced I'll be alone forever.

Won't someone... anyone... please help me...?

...Usako…


	9. Deep, Cleansing Breaths

Usako, hm?

I’m back in bed again because I’m pathetic enough to have taken comfort in my own self-pity and think about the girl I can’t have. Usako; the nickname suits her. Too bad she’ll never hear it leave my lips. Still, I try it on mine when she’s not around. “Usako. Usako…” I chant, my heart writhing in my chest every time. But I’m too damned obsessed with her to stop.

I punch the bed underneath me and grunt in frustration. Damn it, I’m about to explode. “I can’t take this anymore!” I yell at the ceiling, my back arching off the bed and coming back down so hard my entire body bounces off the mattress.

I sit up, swing my legs over the side, and bury my head in my hands. My hair is slick against my hands with grease. I try to remember how many days its been since I last showered, but I can’t recall if it was three days ago or four. This has to stop. This is just pathetic, even for me. 

I take long, slow, deep breaths and try to calm down. I feel like an eight-hundred pound gorilla has been sitting on my chest, stopping my lungs from getting the oxygen it needs and my heart from beating as it should.

“This has to stop,” I repeat to myself, out loud this time. If I have to tell Motoki and Usagi that their relationship is killing me in order to move on, then so be it. It’s my turn to be selfish.

I make my way to the shower and stand underneath the hot water, closing my eyes and continuing to will more oxygen into my lungs. With each controlled breath I feel myself begin to finally feel better. I watch the water pool at my feet before getting sucked down the drain and imagine each drop cleansing away the jealousy, pain, and self-loathing I feel inside. Yes, my body is telling me that confessing to Usagi and Motoki how I feel about their relationship is the right thing to do. Soon, and for the first time since I left Motoki and Usagi on that cold evening a week ago, I’m breathing like I don’t even have to think about it any more.

\---

‘So, how do I go about this…’ I think to myself as I put on a fresh set of clothes. Ah, so this is what it feels like to be clean. It’s nice! I contemplate various confession scenarios in my head as I clean up the hot chocolate mugs, cracked ornaments, and fallen pine needles. I walk past the CD player and realize that the disc has been on pause since that fateful night.

I don’t know why I do it, but I hit play. It resumes halfway through “Sleigh Ride,” the song I’d punched the CD player to stop playing by the time Usagi finally left.

Our cheeks are nice and rosy,  
And comfy cozy are we,  
We're snuggled up together  
Like two birds of a feather would be,

My chest constricts again as I gaze longingly at the green lights of the CD player ticking away how much of the song is left: two minutes and thirty-three seconds.

Let's take that road before us,  
And sing a chorus or two,  
Come on, it's lovely weather  
For a sleigh ride together with you.

Two minutes and four seconds now. I take another deep, cleansing breath and turn away from the stereo but leave the song playing. Instead of focusing on the lyrics and daydreaming about a sleigh ride with Usak-- Usagi, I try to bob to the uplifting beat and channel the same happy energy that the song has. By the time those last two minutes are through I’m dancing around my apartment and somehow feel like a million bucks.

Wow... I’ve finally snapped. The only sleigh ride I’ll be taking will be a one-way trip to the funny farm. 

\---

So here’s the plan: I have no plan.

Nonetheless, I still think it’s a brilliant idea to finally step out into the crisp winter air once again and stride down the road. Part of me is screaming to get the hell back into the house while the other part is urging me to do this while I’m feeling stupid enough to actually follow through on it. 

It's a short walk to Crown Arcade from my place and doesn't give me much time to plan my attack or psyche myself out, which is probably good on both sides. With a little too much planning I'd probably say more hateful things than I'd otherwise intend, and if I don't do this today-- right now-- I doubt I ever will.

The doors of the arcade slide open with a hiss and I'm bombarded with the loud sounds of the various game machines. Someone's playing a Dance Dance Revolution to my right. Their legs are flying as their feet match the arrows whizzing by to the quick beat of the song, and I realize my heart is matching the BOOMBOOMBOOM of the bass and the flashing lights.

I shake my head and turn my attention back to the mission. First, I look over at the Sailor V machine. No Usak-- Usagi. Next, I look over at the counter and see Motoki's coworker, Masa, serving a couple of giggling high school girls some soft drinks. He's laughing with them, and as I approach, he greets me with the same smile he was giving them, which sort of weirds me out.

"Hey there, Mamoru," he greets warmly as the girls cackle and scatter. I nod to him and look around. "Looking for Motoki? He's off on Tuesday mornings. He won't be in 'til 3."

"...Ah." Well, damn... that's four and a half hours from now. I didn't even consider he'd be off, but that makes sense that the man doesn't work whenever I happen to find it convenient. I'm usually in school in the mornings and he works most afternoons... but just because I'm on winter break doesn't mean Crown extends the same courtesy to my main man.

Former main man.

Masa shuffles awkwardly. Is he blushing? "I mean, you're more than welcome to hang out and wait," he says, motioning to the empty stool in front of him.

My eyes look down at the seat in question. He does realize that's a long time to wait, right? I simply smile and shake my head. "I appreciate that, Masa, but I'll just come back later." Maybe. Probably not.

"Oh. Okay, Mamoru... I'll tell Motoki you came by when I see him."

As I turn to walk out of the arcade I raise my hand half as a goodbye and half to wave off the offer. "That's ok, I'll catch up with him when I see him. See you around!"

"See you..." he says, and even though I'm so not into guys I can't help but smile to myself as the doors open back up and I walk back out into the snow. Good to know that I'll have Masa to fall back on if all else fails... heh.

So... now what? I stuff my hands in my pockets and decide that a hot breakfast is my next move. I could go to Motoki's apartment and see if he's there, but part of me wants to be in a public place to have this discussion to keep me in check. I don't want to punch the guy... not that I think I would, but who knows with me these days. Plus, I want to have this talk with both of them at once, and if Usagi was there with him when I showed up...

I outwardly shudder, and it's not because the icy wind suddenly picked up. I would most definitely throw punches if that little scenario was reality.

As I walk I take a look at the shops and restaurants and consider my breakfast options in a desperate attempt to keep myself sane. Bagels, nah... pastries, nah... eggs? Eggs might be good.

I walk into a little mom and pop restaurant and ask for a table for one. Some people find it awkward to go into a place like this and eat on your own, but I never really understood why... there were at least half a dozen tables of diners with the same idea. In some ways, I'm glad that the notion of eating by myself still doesn't phase me.

As I nod to some of my dining-single comrades, I see two very familiar little blond buns poking up over a booth. The hostess showing me to my table continues on, but I stop in front of my small, beautiful dining-single comrade.

"Usak...gi?"

Her eyes snap from her tea to my face with a flash of excitement, then... panic? After a long pause that makes me immediately break out in a sweat, she asks with surprise, "Mamoru?"

I chuckle nervously and find that I'm scratching the back of my own head. "Er, hi. Sorry to have bothered you! I was just sitting down for breakfast and saw you as I walked by and..."

She must have picked up on the panicked, fast-paced wordspew I was doing because her expression softened and she cut me off halfway through. "I haven't ordered yet. Want to sit with me?"

I could see the remaining unease in those crystal blue eyes and forced a smile as I shook my head. "It's okay, I see you were thinking about stuff. I'll just go to my table." I nod in the direction of the hostess, who is patiently waiting for me to complete my journey to a small booth by the window she placed a menu on top of. Before I leave, I feel compelled to ask: "Is... everything okay?"

Another flash of unease crosses Usagi's features and I want to kick myself in the face for doing this to her. She obviously doesn't want anything to do with me right now, so why do I keep pushing?

"Everything's fine!" she says with a smile that could be nothing but entirely genuine. You don't fake a smile that gorgeous and bright. "...I'm sorry I seemed surprised. I've just been waiting for Motoki for twenty minutes now. I hope everything's okay. Please, sit."

I sit, even though I know I shouldn't, and chuckle. "Haven't you learned by now, Meatball Head? Motoki's almost always late... except for when it comes to work. I don't know what it is about that place, but I don't think he's ever been even a minute late. But everywhere else? Twenty minutes is nothing."

The hostess brings the menu from my original table to this one and I nod my thanks. Usagi brings her mug to her lips, blows on the steam a little, then takes a sip before showing me that heart-melting smile again. "Eh, I guess that's true... but I said I've been waiting twenty minutes. We were supposed to meet here forty-five minutes ago."

For the first time in days I laugh a big, hearty, joyful laugh and Usako joins me in it. "Silly me, I should have known," I say before the waitress comes over and I order a coffee.

"Yick, coffee!" she says and makes a disgusted face with her tongue out.

I shrug. If I knew there was a potential that my lips would ever be on hers-- my tongue on that tongue-- I would never touch the stuff again... but, alas. "Yeah, but it gets the job done."

The waitress brings my coffee and Usako and I sit in a comfortable silence for a moment while I put in a little milk and sugar. "So aside from breakfast, what else were you two planning on being late to today?"

"We're supposed to go to the movies."

"It'll be half over by the time you get there."

"Wouldn't be the first time."

I snort.

"What?! Half the movies I see are way better that way; making up your own intro."

"If you say so, Meatball Head."

"Back to the meatball thing again, huh?"

I smirk over my mug at her. "Yup." I'm delighted that, based on her reaction and the cute sip of her tea with the flush on her cheeks, she doesn't seem to mind.

We make more enjoyable and casual conversation and decide to order food after waiting for another fifteen minutes for the elusive Motoki. Sadly, just as the waitress is walking away from our table, he decides to rear his ugly head.

"Heeeeeeey," he says with uncertainty as he sees Usako and me sitting together. The blonde almost looks guilty as she looks back up at him and scoots further into her booth seat to make room for him. I suddenly feel very uncomfortable again.

"Er, hey man," I respond. "I went by Crown to find you earlier but Masa said you don't work 'til three, came here for some food and found Usagi sitting here. Hope you don't mind I kept her company until your..." I look down at my watch, "hour-late ass decided to show up."

"...Thirty-five minutes late, technically," Usagi corrects in an amused tone. "I was twenty minutes late too, remember?"

“Right, right.” I give her a half smirk and roll my eyes before taking another sip of coffee. 

"Nah, no problem," Motoki says as he picks up Usagi's menu and takes a quick perusal. Something tells me he's lying. "We still good?" he asks, and I open my mouth to respond but quickly close it when I realize he's talking to Usako.

"Hm? Yeah! Sorry," she responds, giving him an apologetic look. There's some sort of non-verbal understanding between them as they look at each other and I wonder what she's apologizing to him for. That I crashed their date? Well, wait 'til I drop the bomb I've been building up this past week. I feel like a grenade with the pin removed, waiting until the final tick before I explode. 

Our waitress comes back and takes Motoki’s food and drink order. He seems a little miffed that Usako didn’t wait for him before ordering something, but I take the blame. He shrugs and seems to instantly forgive the both of us. Usako flashes me a ‘don’t worry about it’ smile, and all I can do is look down at my half-empty coffee mug to avoid Motoki seeing me roll my eyes again. 

There’s a much longer, way more awkward silence between the three of us than there was between Usako and I earlier. I steal a glance up at Motoki, who seems to be searching for something to say. The waitress comes over and tops off my coffee as she brings Motoki his. He’s an idiot to drink that if he wants to kiss Usako later. Kiss her… I sigh outwardly and they both look up at me. 

“Are you okay?” asks Motoki. I’m a little taken aback by his genuine look of concern. NOW he wants to start caring about whether or not I’m okay?!

“Huh? Yeah, I’m fine. Sorry… release of pressure, I guess.”

I’m thankful when our waitress comes back with our food… scarfing down breakfast is the perfect excuse for awkward silences, and we all take advantage of it. As I eat my scrambled eggs and hash browns I consider when and how I should tell them my secret. It has to be during this gathering, but not too early when we all have too much food still on our plates. I know how much food means to Usako and I don’t want to ruin her meal. I also don’t want the conversation to be longer than necessary or feel stuck and want to avoid getting Motoki’s waffle bits on my face if he starts yelling at me mid-chew. I decide I’ll wait until everyone’s finished eating or the waitress collects our plates. That way, anyone can get up and leave if they have to. This is more an escape plan for me than them, I think.

Once again, my procrastination becomes my undoing. 

I look in horror as Motoki sets his fork down, reaches into his pocket, and sets a couple of bills down on the table. “Well I gotta run,” he says quickly, wrapping his arm around Usako to bring her closer and kiss the top of her head. I’m too busy cursing myself for always waiting to react to this. “We’re all set for the thing later then, right? Everything’s in place?”

“Yes!” Meatball Head insists, and I open my mouth to speak, but Motoki bolts out of there like Usako running late for school.

I blink at her as the tab is placed on our table and I reach into my pocket to add money to the pile Motoki left. “What was that about?” 

Usako squirms and shakes her head. “It’s nothing. By ‘later,’ he meant the tree lighting ceremony tonight.” She smiled. “I… was asked to be part of it and Motoki’s been helping me. You’re coming, right? Oh Mamoru, you promised you’d come! Please?”

I didn’t even have a chance to answer and she’s already begging me. How could I deny her? I give her a half-smile and lean back in my seat. "Yeah. Yeah... I'll be there."


	10. No Right Time

I have an hour before I need to leave my place in order to meet up with Usako and Motoki at the tree lighting ceremony. I’ve showered, again, in case I still had remaining grime in my hair from wallowing for so long, and I’ve put on my favorite green jacket with a black cotton t-shirt underneath it. I’ve actually been so daring as to spritz myself with a little cologne… it smells like sandalwood and just a hint of rose. 

Why dress up for my confession? Well, I’m not really sure, but its kept me distracted all afternoon and stopped me from hurling myself out my own window and cursing myself for not opening my mouth at breakfast. No matter what, regardless of whether or not I think it’s a good time, I’m going to tell Usako and Motoki how I feel tonight.

No, really. Shut up. I mean it this time.

I wash a few dishes and place them on the side of the sink to dry which eats up another fifteen minutes of my time before pacing nervously back and forth in my living room. I consider trying to pump myself up with Sleigh Ride on the CD player again but decide against it and instead opt to just leave my place early. On the way out, I pick up the little gift bag with the stuffed rabbit in it I’d bought for Usako and never had the chance to give her. Maybe it’ll help take the sting out of my news when I see her. Or add to it. Whatever.

In the two hours since I’d last been outside the temperature’s dropped to below freezing, and a chill immediately overwhelms me by the time I’ve locked my door. I wrap my white scarf around my head and set off down the road with a huff.

As the snow crunches beneath my feet I think about how I’ve become the official third wheel to Usako and Motoki’s relationship. How could I let this happen? This will be my third outing with them as an “official” couple and they’ve barely been together for a week and a half. Eh… all that is about to change, anyway. After tonight I’m sure I won’t be hanging out with them anytime soon.

This brings up a good point… the chances of Usako or Motoki wanting anything to do with me after tonight is very slim. I’ll have to stop going to Crown after class every day. When Usako inevitably crashes into me on the street, what am I supposed to say or do? Just set her back on her feet and continue walking?

I sigh and say a mental goodbye to Meatball Head teases and funny conversations with my best friend. My mind is screaming at me to keep my mouth shut tonight, that losing these things isn’t worth it, but my heart is battling that and insisting it’ll destroy me to stay silent and continue watching from the sidelines. My heart wins.

I glance longingly into the gift bag with the stuffed rabbit in it and pat its head with my gloved hand. Somehow, it gives me the strength to do this. I continue padding down the road.

Some of the festivities have already started with music and vendors as I near the town square where a large pine tree towers far above the fountain before it. Two people are finishing up wrapping the thing in tinsel and there are a few ornaments dotting the branches, but I can’t help but think that my half-dead, lopsided tree looks far better than this gargantuan, bare-looking monstrosity. 

“Mamoru, you came!” I hear someone call from behind me as I catch myself staring absently at the tree. I immediately snap out of my reverie and whirl around to greet the source of that sweet voice that warms my heart despite the cold.

“Hey, Usak-- gi,” I say with a smile, and she catches me looking behind her for her favorite blonde-haired male accessory.

“Motoki’s not here yet… you know him! But for someone who isn’t a big fan of Christmas, you sure got here early.” Usako exposes her wrist out from under what looks like four layers of clothing to check her watch. “Twenty minutes early. Man, you must hate people like Motoki and me!”

If she only knew how wrong she was…. partly, anyway. I could still do without my best friend dating the girl I’m so in love with it hurts.

“Yeah, well, I figured there would be a big crowd and it’d be harder to find you if I came any later. I hope it’s okay.” My eyes glance down at her glossy lips and quickly back up to her eyes. I feel like I can still taste that strawberry gloss on my tongue. “Is… there something I can help you set up, or anything?”

Usako seems to hesitate for a moment before shrugging and shaking her head. “Nah, we’re all set!”

I’m about to respond when I see her eyes travel down my arm and to the gift bag I’m holding. She stands on her tippy-toes and leans forward to see what its contents is, but I hastily pull it behind my back and I’m pretty sure I start to blush.

Usako lets out the most adorable giggle I’ve ever heard and straightens up, her gorgeous blue eyes sparkling as she looks back up at me. “What’s that you got there?”

I exhale on a small laugh and scratch the back of my head nervously. “It’s nothing. A surprise. For later.”

“For me?”  
“It might be.”

I must be imagining her reaction to this news. Suddenly the girl is bouncier and… blushing just as much as I’m sure I am? Nah. It must be the cold. Still, my heart jumps in my chest.

Ugh… no more waiting. I can’t keep holding off until I think the moment is right.

I bite the inside of my lip and pause for just a moment before swinging the bag in front of me again. I part the handles look down at the top of the rabbit’s fluffy head inside before tentatively extending the gift out to her. She watches me, then looks up with a hopeful, innocent expression like a child who’s looking at what Santa left them on Christmas morning.

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” I hold the bag up a little to prove it to her.

She’s beaming as she accepts the bag and adorably tries to contain herself, but I can tell she just wants to split the damn thing open and get right to the contents inside. I would never have guessed that she would be so excited over a gift from me, but my heart is surging with so much love and nervousness that I feel numb. Time seems to slow as I watch her part the tissue paper and pull out the stuffed animal. 

“Oh, Mamoru…” she gasps, holding the rabbit gingerly in her hands and looking it over wide-eyed as if I’d just given her a newborn puppy. She runs her fingers down the ear that’s poking out of the Santa hat, then toys with the pom-pom on the end of the hat itself. My breath hitches in my throat. This is just too precious a moment for such a simple gift that I feel the backs of my eyes stinging, but I quickly blink away the sensation. The last thing I need right now is for Usako to see me crying over giving her a toy.

She continues examining the rabbit for a long moment and I want nothing more than to freeze time. I try to take a mental snapshot of her expression, the way she’s holding the gift, her soft voice saying ‘oh, Mamoru...’

“You didn’t have to get me anything…” she whispers, so low I have to lean forward to hear her as she keeps her eyes locked on the rabbit.

I shrug. “I know… but I wanted to. I saw it and I thought of you, and I knew you had to have it. You deserve a gift from me after all the torment I’ve put you through, Meatball Head.” I smile as I pat and ruffle the top of her head, then do the same to the rabbit’s. She laughs, and I continue. “You deserve a lot of things, Usagi. I’m sorry I’ve teased you so relentlessly this year.”

She shakes her head and hugs the rabbit to her puffy, bundled-up form tightly. “No need to apologize, Mamoru… I know you just do it out of love.”

I run a hand through my hair and can’t help but laugh a little, unable to hold back my next comment: “You have no idea.” I gasp so quietly I can barely hear myself, but I think Usako’s alarmed at how quickly my expression turned to one of shock. I clear my throat. “The… love thing. You have no idea.”

She looks up at me with the same surprised, wide-eyed expression that she’d given her new rabbit.

“I… love you, Usagi. Like... really love you.” There. It’s out. I said it, and there’s no going back now. My hands are tight fists at my sides and I’m suddenly sweating profusely. How does it get so hot in freezing temperatures? I find myself breathing very loudly. “I’m sorry… you probably don’t want to hear this, but I need you to know. I was going to tell you when you came to my house, that night when we decorated the tree. That was truly one of the best nights of my life. I’d tried mustering up the courage to say something, but by the time I had, you’d asked me about Motoki. And what could I say after that? So I kept my mouth shut… but it’s been killing me ever since. I know it’s selfish to dump this on you, and I was going to tell you and him together so it wasn’t so weird, but I keep trying to wait for these right moments and they just never seem to work out…”

I realize I’m just spewing words at a million miles an hour and pause to catch my breath. I gauge Usako’s reaction. I can’t believe I just told her all of that, though I suddenly feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

It looks like, however, I’ve transferred that weight to Usako. She’s staring at me, pale, wide-eyed, and looking like she might be sick. My lips are parted and concern is written all over my face as I wait for her to say something… anything.

“I… I have to go,” she says hastily, and before I can even reach out and touch her shoulder, she’s disappeared into the growing crowd.


	11. Stuck

Well, crap.

I don’t blame Usako for running, but my chest feels like it’s on fire. I don’t know whether to run after her, run away, apologize profusely to Motoki, smack my head against a pole, or just stand here with this dumb expression on my face for the rest of the night.

My feet act before my mind can, and I find myself tearing off after the blonde-bunned beauty whom I’ve just divebombed with my own emotional turmoil. That wasn’t fair of me. I push through the thickening crowd and search frantically for little Usako, but I see no sign of her.

Finally I reach the edge of the sea of people and get a little breathing room. I look up and down the sidewalk by the closed storefronts who instead have tables in the town center for the festival. Damn… she’s nowhere to be seen. I consider wading my way back toward the tree when I hear the feintest sniffle from behind me.

I whirl and catch a long, blonde pigtail swaying in the cold breeze from an alleyway a store down from where I’m standing. Now that I’ve spotted her, I don’t know what to do. It kills me that I’ve made her cry.

I take one tentative step, then another, and another until finally I’m only a few feet away from Usako. She’s whimpering words into her phone to I presume is one of her girlfriends and I know I shouldn’t eavesdrop. My heart plummets into my stomach as I present myself in her peripheral vision. “...Usako?” I say softly, then curse under my breath. I didn’t mean to call her that, and I hope she didn’t pick up on her nickname.

She looks up with a start and I feel sick as I look at her angelic, flushed face puffy with tears from crying. She murmurs a few more words and hangs up with her friend before quickly wiping her tears away with a glove and sniffling. “I’m sorry,” she squeaks, her voice cracking like she’s desperately trying to stop herself from crying. The sting behind my own eyes is back.

I want to hug her. I want to pull her into my arms, gently stroke the back of her head, and tell her I’m sorry. That it’s okay that she doesn’t feel the same way. That I understand, and I’m sorry for ever saying anything about this to her at all. That she caught me in a moment of weakness and of all the “perfect times” I’d been waiting for, this was far from the right one at all.

Instead, I just shove my hands in my pockets and look at her with an apologetic expression that I hope communicates even just some of what I wanted to say. I look at her hands. She’s still got the rabbit clutched to her chest underneath her arm. My eyes travel back up to meet hers. 

“Why are you sorry?” I ask finally. “I’m the one who should be saying sorry. It wasn’t my place to tell you th--”

She cuts me off with a sad tone, staring blankly at my chest. Her eyes are still wet with tears. “I didn’t know. I had no idea.” 

“...I wouldn’t have expected you to.”

“But…” her bottom lip quivers and fat tears begin spilling from her eyes again, breaking my heart. “But this would have changed things…”

My heart stops. I duck into the alley so I’m standing across from her. We’re in closer quarters now, but the walls flanking us on either side offer a little privacy as well as shelter from the cold. She’s against one wall while I’m against the other. “...I don’t know what you mean, Usagi.”

She looks down at the stuffed rabbit in her arms, hugs it tightly, and draws in a deep breath in an attempt to collect herself. I can tell she’s trying to keep her voice as even as possible. “That night, when I was at your house… I had a lot of fun, too.” She looks down at the ground as if considering whether or not she should continue. I’m hanging on every word. “Do you remember how I even ended up there? I invited myself shopping with you, knowing that I’d need to help you set everything up back at your place when we were done…”

I try to keep my breathing even as I listen and try to anticipate where this is going. Where I’m hoping it’s going has to be an impossibility.

Usako’s face is pained as she continues. “I really had a lot of fun,” she reiterates, and I can’t ignore that spark of hope. “A-- after the tree was decorated, and I knew I should have been going, I was so happy when you asked me to stay for hot chocolate. But then I started to psyche myself out when we were dancing. I felt like I way overstayed my welcome and you were just being polite; hosting me, just a kid excited about Christmas over at your place. I knew you weren’t the biggest fan of the holiday and I started wondering if everything I pushed on you was making you uncomfortable. When the song ended and you said my name I thought you were going to tell me to go, but I didn’t want things to end like that… so I panicked.”

She pauses. I blink. “So…” I say, my mouth dry and the sound coming out barely above a whisper. I can barely hear myself over the thundering of my heart in my chest.

“So… I had no idea you had feelings for me, but I… knew I had them for you.” I’m so thankful for the wall behind me as my legs give out and I palm the bricks for support. My head is spinning. Is this a dream? Did she just say what I thought she said? Usako… has feelings for me… ? “I tried to diffuse them by asking you about Motoki, but I regretted it as soon as I said it. I never thought you’d talk to him about me, or that he’d be interested...” She sinks back against her own wall and the tears come in earnest again. Suddenly, I realize she hasn’t been crying about me… she’s crying over the guilt she feels for getting into a relationship with Motoki she didn’t have much interest in in the first place.

Before I realize what I’m doing I’ve kicked off my wall and pulled Usako into a tight hug, burying her head in my chest as I feel her shoulders shaking while she sobs. I am such a damn idiot. How could I have let this all happen? “Shhh, Usako…” I whisper, my hands rubbing small circles against her back, “It’s okay.” 

“It’s not okay…” she whimpers. Her voice is muffled against my chest. 

“It is. ...If you want to tell him, we’ll do it together.” I hug her to me even tighter. Even with her puffy coat on I love how she feels in my arms.

While standing with her like this, everything that’s just happened begins to sink in. I’m so mad at myself for letting Usako think I didn’t want her lingering in my house, that I ever spoke to Motoki, and that she felt stuck in a relationship I basically set her up for when it was the last thing both she and I wanted. I kiss the top of her head and realize I’m probably making breathing for her very difficult; I’m wrapped around her like she’s a balloon that’ll disappear into the clouds if I let go. 

Slowly, very slowly, I loosen my hold and slide my hand underneath her chin to coax her head up so our eyes meet. Her puffy red eyes still make my heart hurt. I can’t let any of this continue any longer. Even if, in the end, she feels too awkward to be with me, she shouldn’t have to stay with Motoki if she doesn’t want to. “We should tell him. It’s not fair to you or Motoki if we don’t.”

“What’s not fair to me and her if you don’t what?” comes a voice from just outside the alleyway. It echoes off the brick walls of the alley and strikes through my body like lightning.

...Motoki.


	12. Christmas Gifts

Usako and I spring apart and look like two wildly blushing deer caught in headlights. “Mo-- Motoki…” Usako stammers, then fiddles with the rabbit in her arms. 

I place one hand behind my head and scramble for the right words. Now would be a good a time as any to explain to Motoki what was going on, but Usako never told me whether or not that’s what she wanted… and while I would love to make assumptions, I don’t want to mess this up if I have a chance. 

He has his hands on his hips as he waits for an answer from either of us. I mean, he’d have to be a complete moron not to realize what we could possibly be talking about; he just saw us with my arms around Usako, cupping her chin in one of my hands. If he couldn’t piece together a conclusion from that, we have bigger issues at hand.

But he’s no idiot, and based on his devious smile, it seems he knows exactly what’s going on and just wants one of us to say it. We absolutely owe him an explanation, but that doesn’t make me want to punch that grin off his face any less. 

“There… seemed to have been a misunderstanding between Usagi and I,” I begin. I’m trying to leave any possible opportunity for her to jump in and tell both of us what she wants, but she still seems to be paralyzed with silence and shock. What I wouldn’t give to be inside her mind as her eyes jump between the two of us. “...about what she wanted for Christmas.”

Usako looks up at me as Motoki glances down at my gift in her arms. “So you’re worried I might be angry that he gave you a stuffed animal?” he asks her. I suppress a growl in my throat. He knows that’s not what I mean and is trying to get her to talk, but I say nothing... I also can’t help but hope she takes the bait.

She looks alarmed at this most preposterous accusation and smiles a little, as if that’s the stupidest reason in the world for her to look like a puffy, red wreck. Usako shakes her head, her long blonde pigtails waving wildly along with her, then draws in a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Motoki,” she manages to get out in a soft tone. I see him stiffen and wonder if I should let them have this conversation privately, but I’m the one frozen in place now. When Usako drew in a breath, I did too, and I’ve been holding it ever since as I wait for her verdict. “Mamoru and I… just realized we have feelings for each other.”

Wow, Usako… she went right for the jugular there, and even I almost feel bad for Motoki. Way the let the poor guy down easy. 

A brief flash of surprise dances along Motoki’s face but it’s gone in an instant. I wonder if he’s either taken aback by the girl’s direct hit, as I am, or if Usako’s and my feelings for each other is just as much a revelation to him as it was to us. Suddenly, a new idea strikes me as I look at his face turning from shock to pleasant smile: he’s known the latter all along.

“Well… it’s about time,” he says, then awkwardly sticks his hands in his pockets. Usako and I openly gape at him and he lets out a genuinely humored laugh. “Mamoru, you come into the arcade and I always see you immediately look around for Usagi. I know you’re happy to see me too, but you always have a little more pep in your step when she’s around. And you, Usagi… even before we were dating, and especially after, all you seemed able to talk about ‘how annoying Mamoru was,’ or how funny something he said was while we were all out together, or little stories about when you were at his house decorating.” He shakes his head and looks at us almost sympathetically. “I’ve tried to get you guys to admit you liked each other for a while now. I don’t know why you both were in such denial about it.”

I look at Usako beside me just as she turns her head and our eyes meet. She’s still red as a beet and looking a little flabberghasted by this whole thing, as am I. There’s a moment of silence between all three of us before Motoki takes a couple of steps toward Usagi and puts his hand on her shoulder. “Don’t worry about me, okay? I was expecting this to happen. I’m just glad we gave it a go. I just want you to be happy, and if that means being with my best friend instead of me… I’ll live. I can tell you two belong together way more than you and I do.” 

Motoki pulls her into an embrace that she returns with earnest. “Thank you, Motoki.” Usako’s voice is muffled against his shoulder. By the way she squeezes him I can tell she’s still riddled with guilt about this whole thing. “I’m sorry. I really am. I didn’t mean to lead you on, or talk about Mamoru too much. I guess I failed on both counts.”

“Don’t worry about it. I know you’re in good hands with him.” With a wink and a short laugh, he says, “And don’t fret… Mamoru, I’ll continue to grace your life as your best friend and Usagi, I’ll still give you free tokens for the Sailor V game at the arcade. I’ll see you both later.” Usako gives him a half smile that I mimic as he nods to her, then looks up at me. With a “merry Christmas,” as a goodbye, he turns to wade back into the crowd just a short distance from where we’re standing.

I exhale a long, slow breath as Usako and I stand there until we can’t see Motoki’s dirty-blonde head anymore. Then we remain there for a beat longer in silence. 

"Usako," I say finally, but at the same time she says, "Mamo-chan?"

‘Mamo-chan.’ I like that. We pause and memories from the night she came to decorate my tree hits me like a sack of bricks. This time, I’ll be the one to speak first. This is what I should have said that night as soon as she walked into my apartment instead of trying to set up some stupid, magical moment. Here, in the freezing cold between two brick buildings, just as some guy on a loudspeaker in the distance causes feedback to rip through every speaker in the square, is a perfect time as any. “I love you.” 

Luckily, she seems to like my choice of moment, too. I don’t need a tree lighting ceremony; the light in her eyes as I say those three beautiful words to her is enough to illuminate my heart forever.

“I love you too, Mamo-chan.”


	13. Epilogue

Oh the weather outside is frightful,  
But the fire is so delightful...  
And since we've got no place to go,  
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

“I can’t find the box for this one,” I say, holding up a large silver bulb by its hook. 

Usako looks up at me and laughs that adorable laugh that makes me smile wide. “Here, I’ll take it.” Her fingers meet mine as she plucks the ornament from me and I smirk. 

“Not so fast…” I say as she turns away to approach a small pile of empty brown boxes. I wrap my hand around her waist and pull her to me, stifling her giggle of delight with a firm kiss on those delicious strawberry lips. I hold her there until she gives in and wraps her arms around my neck. Feeling the ornament now rolling between my shoulderblades as she laces her fingers together behind me, I smile against her lips and pull back just enough to sing along with my favorite CD.

When we finally kiss goodnight,  
How I'll hate going out in the storm!  
But if you'll really hold me tight,  
All the way home I'll be warm…

Usako giggles again and I can’t help but laugh along with her as I waltz her over to the boxes. I finally release her and she digs through them to find the home of the silver orb I gave her.

“I have to say, I’m really sad to see the little guy go,” I say as I affectionately pet our lop-sided Christmas tree. It sheds dozens of its dried-out, nearly-brown needles in protest to my touch and Usako shoots me a smile.

“I know… but it’s two weeks after Christmas. I’m proud of you for finally letting us take the thing down. We’re already into January, Mamo-chan… we’re going to have to work on weaning you off the Christmas carols soon, too.”

The fire is slowly dying,  
And my dear we're still good-by-ing,  
But as long as you love me so...  
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

“Never,” I say with mock disbelief, coaxing out yet another happy giggle from my beautiful Meatball Head.  
I hand her the second-to-last ornament on the tree to pack away and walk up to the last one, nestled happily in its coveted little spot. I gingerly pull it off its branch and smile at it in my hands for a moment, taking in its little bag of candy canes and presents and adorable little hat. I’ve become such a sap, but I love it. 

Oh, it doesn't show signs of stopping,  
And I've brought some corn for popping,  
Since the lights are turned way down low...  
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

“Here, Usako,” I say quietly, bidding the little white rabbit goodbye until next year. She’s taking a sip of her hot chocolate as I go to hand it to her, though quickly sets it down to accept my ornament. 

When we finally kiss goodnight,  
How I'll hate going out in the storm!  
But if you'll really hold me tight,  
All the way home I'll be warm…

Usako sandwiches the ornament between our hands and doesn’t let my fingers go. She meets no protest and I sink down to my knees before her. We set the rabbit into its box together and she smiles up at me brightly. Now all that’s left is our bare tree; the last piece of evidence of the most incredible Christmas season of my life.

I’m not ready to remove ol’ Piney yet, and as I move some boxes to the side and lay Usako beneath me on the rug I don’t think she’s in a rush, either. After all, we have hours before we need to meet up with Motoki and his new girlfriend, Reika. Plenty of time. We whisper our love for one another before I fuse our mouths together, hoping that she can feel through our kiss just how seriously I mean those words and how grateful I am for her.

The fire is slowly dying,  
And my dear we're still good-by-ing,  
But as long as you love me so...  
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!

I can’t wait ‘til next Christmas.

____________________________________  
Thank you so much for reading this fanfiction! If you enjoyed it, please leave a review and/or share it with your friends. I love getting feedback on what people enjoyed, didn’t enjoy, or what they would like to see in the future. See you next story!


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